


The Redquisitor and Company Arrive

by RedEris



Series: The Adventures of Redquisitor [1]
Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Gen, Humor, Self-Insert
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-22
Updated: 2016-02-22
Packaged: 2018-05-22 12:56:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,877
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6080241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RedEris/pseuds/RedEris
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The prompt, via realistself-inserts on Tumblr, was “how do your real-world friends respond to your new ones?”  Apparently, I heard “your people come with you”, and things got very strange from there.  The people (including children) are real, the names are not.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Redquisitor and Company Arrive

The last half hour had gone…well, about as poorly as anything in her entire life, which she thought was really saying something, overall. She’d woken up behind bars with a pair of massive shackles on and proceeded to have a really spectacular panic attack of the fight-not-flight variety. She’s bloodied her knuckles and bruised her wrists compulsively trying to batter the shackles off against the stone floor, all while bellowing semi-coherently for someone to “get it OFF”.

Things had gone from ‘fucking terrible’ to ‘complete shitshow’ when the dark-haired woman in armor—whose braid wrapped around her head like Red’s mother’s, as if to confirm that this was some truly spectacularly vivid cleithrophobic dream—had come in and started shouting at her. The woman was clearly used to being heard and obeyed, but Red had never voluntarily obeyed anyone in her life, and she wasn’t about to start with her wrists bound and probably enough adrenaline on tap to lift a car. She honestly didn’t remember what either of them had said, but if she’d had to guess, her lines (at top volume) had gone something like this:

“I don’t know who the fuck you think you are but this is going on national television. Get these off me right the fuck now. I don’t know what you’ve done to me or why and I…where are my children? Where are my children you show me my children this fucking second I will _eat you_.” 

At some point she’d begun using the manacles to attempt to bludgeon anyone who came near enough. Her hand had stung and burned and then glowstick-green light had come pouring out of it, and she’d added “What the fuck! What the fuck did you do to me” to her repertoire. They’d finally wrestled her down, and now two people were sitting on her while the dark-haired woman crouched to get in her face. She’d felt like she was burning and freezing and about to throw up, her mind running around in tiny circles and screaming.

“You have children nearby? We do not have your children.”

“Well then what the fucking fuck? You took me…where the fuck did you take me from if you didn’t see my children? And Jay and Chris…what is going _on?_ ”

“You fell out of the Fade alone. There was a woman behind you, but no children, and no one followed you. We do not have your children. If they were at the Conclave, I am afraid they are dead. But if they are nearby, you have all the more reason to follow me now and close the rifts.”

Which was how she ended up walking up an icy mountain path that was absolutely, unequivocally nowhere near Maryland, wearing three borrowed coats and waiting for the inevitable collapse when the adrenaline wore off. Looked more like she imagined…midwinter Switzerland? Bigger even than she remembered the Rockies. Not that either of those places had gigantic green gravity anomalies in the sky, last she knew. (In the back of her head, a Chris Hemsworth-pitched voice was yelling “Lokiii!!”) Honestly at this point she was all out of curiosity and really focusing on not freezing to death.

And though she was still looking everywhere, she could see none of her famiy. Well, they were with Jay. He would keep them safe. Maybe they _were_ safe, and thousands of miles away still, and terrified for _her_. She didn’t know what the Conclave was, but she refused to believe that they were dead.

Suddenly, the pain resurged in her hand violently.

“Mother _fucker!_ Owww! _Monkey_ fuck! Son of a _shit_ that hurts!” Green light was spilling everywhere as she danced around in a circle clutching her hand. Suddenly a great band of light shot out a few feet and split the air apart, and the next thing she knew, Red was lunging forward to break the fall of a small child.

The two of them lay on the ground for a moment, staring at each other in shock. Red was distantly aware of the throbbing agony of a wrenched knee, and a spot on her elbow that would undoubtedly purple up magnificently.

“Mama?”

“I’ve got you, beautiful. I’ve got you. Are you okay, baby doll? Does it hurt?”

The round-cheeked pixie thought about it for a moment, and then his face collapsed and he let out a heart-wrenching howl. Red rolled so that she could pull him up off of the frozen ground and wrap herself around him. The two of them lay there, her dazed and silent, him sobbing out his pain and terror, and for a minute Cassandra simply stood there looking stunned.

Finally, Cassandra spoke. “I do not understand the meaning of this, but it changes little. We must continue. We cannot stay here.”

“Right. Come on, baby doll. Come on. We’ll find somewhere warm for you soon, but we have to go for a walk now, okay? Here, let me up and then I’ll hold you inside my coat, okay sweetie?”

Red pulled herself up, opened the top coat (fortunately it was huge on her), wrapped her son around her and the coat around him, and limped forward. Cassandra eyed the pair with concern for a moment before leading on.

The first demons were quite an event. Red, still clutching her son (he with his head firmly buried in her shoulder), ran around in circles bellowing her head off until Cassandra was able to dispatch both of the horrifying creatures.

“What the _shit_ was _thaaaat_? Holy fuck lady, what are you trying to do to us?”

The tear-streaked urchin popped his head up to indignantly announce, “You used a Bad Mama word!” before retreating into the collar of her coat.

Cassandra blinked at that, and then rallied to say, “That was demons. Do you see now the urgency of our mission?”

“I see that everything is crazy and someone slipped me some really bad drugs is what I see.” But fresh adrenaline propelled her up the path faster than she would have though possible in her battered and burdened state.

The pain in her hand struck again almost immediately afterwards. This time Red gritted her teeth and swore a blue streak, unable even to let go of her son to hold the hand. Again the air split, and again a form was visible through the rift.

“FUCK! CATCH!” Red shouted. Cassandra acted instantly, and found herself holding an armful of young girl in a pink sundress over purple corduroys, tightly clutching a glitter-filled twirling baton.

Nothing mattered, everything was ridiculous, the universe was a flat circle. Red took a steadying breath.

“Right, of course. Fuck everything. Hello, beautiful. Are you alright?” A malcontented mumble came from under the coat. “Yes yes, Bad Mama, I know.”

“Mama, where are we?”

“Fuck if I know, honey, but we’ll figure it out.”

“It’s cold!”

“Oh, you noticed. Well, that’s a nice change of pace, at least. Do you know where your papa is?”

The girl stared blankly, clinging to Cassandra and trembling. 

“Right, sorry, never mind. Later.”

They shuffled coats so that Red and her son were wearing two and the girl was swimming in the third, fleece dragging behind her over the snow.

“Sorry, Cassandra—these are my children—this is Hugh, and this is Lilith. Guys, this is Cassandra. Say hello?”

Lilith, huge-eyed, dutifully echoed a hello. Hugh dug his head more firmly into Red’s shoulder.

“I’m not going anywhere else until these two are someplace warm and safe, do you understand?”

Cassandra nodded stiffly. “There is a guard house ahead. I cannot vouch for anyone’s safety until this breach has been sealed, but it will be sheltered and protected.”

“Alright. You hear that, guys? We’ll get you out of the wind, and then we’ll figure this out. Just hang in there, okay?”

A few yards later, Cassandra snorted disgustedly and picked Lilith back up so that they could move faster.

Twice more the air split apart. The first time, a broad, freckled man with a buzzcut and red beard fell out and slid several feet across the river ice.

“Uhhh, hi, Chris. Look, I’m really sorry about this, but…uhh…remember how I always wanted you to pick up fighting again?”

The second time, the man was tall and slender with a bushy auburn beard and blonde ponytail.

“Oh thank fuck. Oh, thank fucking fucking fuck. Oh god. Jay, I’ll explain in a minute but right now I really need a hug.”

The two additional fighters, however terrified, disoriented, and inexperienced, were essential to making it through the next round of demons. Chris sustained a nasty burn-like wound on one cheek, and Jay took a gash to one forearm. Cassandra dispensed elfroot potions to both, and both wounds all but healed, to general consternation.

“What is _in_ these? Holy shit I am high. I am higher than the highest…thing that’s really high. I know nothing. Hail Eris. This is punishment for every bad fantasy novel I ever read. Whatever. Give me one of those drinks.”

“Mama, are we going to die?”

“What, eventually? Sure. Not today though. Not if Papa and I can help it. Hang in there, baby doll. Hang in there. Sorry I got a little scary there. I’m fine now. See? We’re all together and we’re all fine. We’ll figure the rest out later.”

Jay was the first to notice the sounds of fighting ahead over the shriek of the wind.

“Is there a way around? We can’t take the children into another fight.”

“The way is steep and narrow—the path is the only way through.” 

Red and Jay exchanged a long look.

“I’ll hang back with the kids. Be safe. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

When they came within sight of the fight—and the huge green tear in the air above it—the four adults exchanged looks. 

“Come here, baby doll.”

Lilith climbed out of her father’s arms and ran to her mother, who took both children behind a boulder and drew them under her coat, clinging to them tightly while the others went ahead. She curled around her children, pulling the coat over them in an attempt to muffle the sounds of battle.

And then the hand twinged.

“Oh fuck me, not again. There wasn’t anyone else with us. I swear to fucking god, if it sends my mother through—fuck _FUCK_ —“

She dropped the kids as fast as she could, sprinting around the edge of the stone she’d sheltered behind.

“Guys, watch out, it’s happening again fuck OWWW it’s BIG—“

With which, a silver 2004 Honda Odyssey fell out of thin air, hitting the ground with a deafening crunch, crushing the last of the demons. The van shifted over on its side with a groan of tormented metal, and a mangled door popped open. An empty Gatorade bottle, several dirty napkins, and a purple-and-green plush dinosaur tumbled out. 

The dinosaur landed against Jay’s foot, and he reached out a toe and stepped on its nose. A long, wheezing squeak from the stuffed animal pierced the sudden silence.

Everyone turned to look at Red.

“Well, that’s it. I think I’m done for today. Yeah, I’m done.”


End file.
